The Gustatory Science of Tasting Cocoa and related Stimulants

If you are wondering about the extraordinarily prolix topic, I’ll mention that it has always been by dream to publish a proper scientific paper, though not necessarily in a proper scientific journal. Plus, being an ardent supporter of free knowledge (yeah, I hate you guts, SD and APL), I decided this is as good a place as any to do so. Oh, and don’t mind the format.

Abstract

The author (thank you, thank you) has extensively experimented on tasting cocoa, milk and sugar based products (popularly known as chocolates) and has collected data that shows the ideal order of chocolate consumption. The paper assumes all chocolates as equals, and has relied on Toblerones as the defining brand of the same.

Introduction

While human kind has managed to truly appreciate the value of chocolates, the ideal order of consuming chocolates of different cocoa contents has never been discussed or even pondered upon. This is partly due to the fact that the pure ecstasy that people experience drives any thought of rigorous experimentation from their minds, though it is the author’s personal opinion that the actual problem lies in the fact that almost all the connoisseurs belong to the harried and disorganized student community. Therein lies the main hurdle to the meticulous research demanded by this field. Fortunately, there being some really geeky fans of the food item in question, the data we desire can be obtained through sheer willingness to consume the aforementioned product.

Experiment

Eat, eat and eat more chocolate (oh, dear God in heaven!).

Results

The conclusive effect that was expected to be produced by the ideal order was the intense craving for more chocolate mixed with the contentedness that brings about languor and the inordinate desire to procrastinate, yet being in enough check to reach for another bar of chocolate. The results were tabulated as follows.

Order                    %Cocoa                 Time for procrastination                  Time taken to reach for another bar

In the interest of keeping this paper short, only the ideal results have been given. The ideal curve follows a classic Gaussian distribution curve on the Time ratio (Reaching time/Procrastination time) vs percentage cocoa scale.

Inference

The Gaussian distribution clearly shows the perfect combination of chocolates desired. It predicts that a white chocolate serves to tingle your senses and prepare your mood for the beauty of the moments to come. The white combination of milk and nut flow down your throat, flirting with your taste buds while leaving them thirsty for cocoa.

The second bite must be one of dark chocolate, preferably 70 to 100 % cocoa. The deluge refreshes your taste buds, giving you the high you desire, a bittersweet symphony playing under the roof of your mouth. This also sufficiently gets rid of the sweetness of the previous bite and the swooning taste buds will now cry for more.

The third is the most important bite of all, and cannot be allowed to go wrong, or the optimal time ratio is missed by several microseconds. The chocolate used must be a 50-50 homogenous melody of milk and cocoa, with the tolerance for cocoa being +10 %. As the bite melts into heavenly nectar in your mouth and travels through the interstices of your teeth, you realize then that there is nothing more beautiful in the world, and that nothing else matters. A string quartet plays as you reach a cocoon where, given a choice, you’d be ensconced for the rest of your life. And then you realize…..that you need another dose of the same, and you start up from your comfortable seat, sacrificing that blissful position for a greater good.

References

All research here is purely original and has not been mentioned in any other paper, SD or APL or elsewhere.

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One thought on “The Gustatory Science of Tasting Cocoa and related Stimulants

  1. Lefty says:

    mmmm
    Gimme chocolate… NOW.

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